July 13, 2021.
I write to you as I sit in the cold ground of a tiny dark room, partially numb due to taking a few pills of antidepressants. I've thought a lot about a lot of things today, mostly about the beauty of life and the brevity of moments. I've always enjoyed emptying my mind and just listening to the sounds around me, not trying to discern the meaning of what I hear, but simply indulging in reality completely, as if I was navegating through life as a mere observer. I encourage you, in case there's someone reading this, to try it. If you stop to really observe things, you'll find hundreds of reasons to love life.
It occurs to me that I've spent too much time trying to comprehend the nature of my being, when there's nothing to be comprehended — i'm simply the result of my upbringing and the events that have impacted me, and I only have a meaning because I gave myself one. I can't even begin to express how freeing the realization of my meaninglessness is, how I see myself in the wind, in the purring of a cat as it surrenders to my touch, in the trunk of a tree, in a falling leaf, graciously dancing towards it's death. I feel as though I'm already dead and mine wasn't a quiet death, but the one of a dying star, imploding inside myself.
I regret nothing.
July 03, 2021.
Today was the final straw I needed to understand that suicide is the way for me. I've been reluctant about it for the past month, but it seems like the Universe keeps pushing me more and more towards the edge. I've saved some money and it's just a matter of time until I save up enough to get the gun I want, and then i'll put myself out of my misery for good. Gosh, I can't wait. I can't fucking wait to lose my consciousness and return to dust, I hope they don't even find my body so it can just rot somewhere/become a cool looking skeleton in the woods.
I used to hope for an afterife where I could find the happiness and the everlasting freedom I craved, but now I just hope there's nothing on the other side so I can take an eternal break from myself. I want to disappear.
June 08, 2021.
funny how the one persistent thing in my life is loss. i'm a loser in the sense that i lose everyone and everything i care about. if there's one lesson i'll take from this lifetime is how nothing lasts forever and how I should let the things i love die out; expect them to, even.
you're probably the only person who knows who i am behind this site, so if you ever read this, you'll know this entry was meant for you. i'm very, very sorry for ruining our friendship. i didn't want to lose the connection we had, but i'm a ruiner, so i did what i do best. i'm thankful that our souls have crossed paths in this timeline, and i feel like they might have done it before in another place and time. i truly hope that you have an amazing life and find the happiness you deserve; and i REALLY hope you publish a book or something similar one day, because you're very talented and the world deserves to have the chance to read the things you write. you'll aways be my favorite INTJ. thank you for inspiring me. farewell.
May 02, 2021.
the pain i felt today was something i couldn't possibly put into words. i had to resort to self harm. now i have about eleven open cuts in my left wrist, but it calmed me down in a way. i just can't stop thinking about the past, how badly people have hurt me, then thrown me out like the pathetic thrash i am. i have no faith in humanity anymore. it's just too hard to love people (including myself). i'm in agony because of everything that happened and keeps happening to me. i need to be isolated from everyone or i'll end up putting a bullet in my head. i keep hurting people and myself. never gets better. never gets better never gets better why. whyyyyyhyy. i'm sorry. i can't live like this. my head is sick and life is more unbearable than ever. the physical pain is nothing compared to the despair eating me from the inside.
April 15, 2021.
everything seems so out of place for some reason. lately, i feel like i've been living the same day everyday; that empty feeling in the mornings, the melancholic silence in the afternoons, the nights spent alone in my room trying to distract myself from my own feelings. sometimes i can't keep the anguish in anymore and it comes into surface in the form of tears, like i've opened some kind of pandora box. there is no point in "living" this way. i've never been truly happy, i always felt incomplete and lonely. i've never done anything right in my entire life. i’m mediocre in the things i do best and i failed at literally everything i ever tried or dreamed of doing.
i've made a plan for leaving this reality. i set the death date far, because i don't want it to be something i do impulsively. i don't want people to think i didn't give myself a chance. i'm giving myself plenty of time to find something to hold on to, anything. apart from that, i'll try to not overthink the whole "death" thing. i've never cared much about my life anyways. i'll be just another one of many.
April 08, 2021.
how do i express clearly what I'm feeling in a foreign language? shit, i can't even express it in my own language… and there's so much pain i'm holding inside of me. the whole world is a mess and all of sudden everyone is depressed and suicidal — my mother, my bestfriend, and a few other people who are close to me —. worst part is, they keep coming to me for advice and a shoulder to cry on, but how can i help others get out of a well i'm stuck in too?????? if i remember clearly, no one tried to help me when i was deeply depressed a few weeks ago. it was the most eye opening, lonely experience of my life — feeling completely hopeless, alone and hurt, and when you try to communicate your pain to others, you get misunderstood, made fun of, ignored, or — even worse — abandoned, again. my mom, who has even encouraged me to kill myself, seriously expects sympathy from me when she's the one who is suicidal. haha. humans are absolute thrash… most of them, at least.
okay, this goes to my rat who passed away today: i'll never forget you, little angel. i hope you're free and happy wherever you are. ❤
April 01, 2021.
sometimes i worry i might be going insane, or just completely delusional. i realize my thoughts and beliefs aren't typical of a mentally stable person, but i don't feel like i'm mentally ill at all... if anything, i feel like i'm more spiritually aware than most people. they do say there's a fine line between a spiritual awakening and mental illness, though... hmmmm.
a few days ago, when i tried to talk to some people in my house and got completely ignored, i really thought i had become invisible. no, really... i non-ironically considered the possibility of being invisible for at least five minutes. that's when i started to question my mental clarity. well, actually... if no one else sees me, am i not invisible in a way? heh.
honestly, i really think i should stop talking to people — the more i do, the more i realize how i am in a completely different state of mind. i try to connect to other humans, but it's impossible. even people i used to relate to in the past (like my ex), now sound completely oblivious and simple-minded whenever i try to have a conversation with them. it feels like we speak two different languages sometimes. i don't blame people for thinking the way they do, but i'm tired of feeling so lonely, alienated and misunderstood.
March 30, 2021.
my new goal is to discover a method to easily access other realms of reality. i have a feeling that i have experienced an alternate reality in 2019, in a (weirdly realistic) dream i had. i know it's necessary for me to keep grounded in physical reality this year, but it's just so, so hard. it's getting harder and harder every day to function as a human, to look at myself in the mirror and be reminded that i posses this physical form — just a rotting piece of flesh. physical pleasures such as food, sex or affection mean almost nothing to me. human connection is simply mundane. nothing on this beautiful planet (earth) seems to satisfy me. i wonder if something inside my soul knows this isn't home. even as a little girl, i always felt like i was missing something, and never truly knowing what it was, i attempted to fullfil the void through love, material possessions and an admiration for a few political causes, but i was still incomplete. i was still missing… something?
March 29, 2021.
reading my old journal entries gives me such a weird sensation… i was so naive, so optimistic about life in general. i was blind, but in a good way. It's so weird to think that girl was going through so much bad shit, but was still able to dream about her future. i miss her. i pity her. i pity my pathetic current self.
she did not deserve the things that happened to her. i probably do, but she didn't.
March 24, 2021.
some days are harder than others. there are days in which the thought of ending my life seems…. unsettling — after all, i still do love a few things about living; like my animals, the beauty of earth, and the possibility of having a family in the future. the death of my physical body terrifies me sometimes, mostly because i don't know what (if anything) comes after. everything about death feels uncertain, and i hate uncertainty. i've always craved stability, i never got it. people come into my life just to leave me eventually, my family moved and kicked me out more times than i could count (ever since I was a kid), and the only person i loved eventually left too (what did i expect? lol). i just want something to stay. someone to come into my life and stay until the end. why can't i have this one thing i desire so badly? JUST WHY? why would you (god, the universe, i don't know) put me in this planet to live like this? Did i do something horrible and i'm being punished, or is the existence i'm experiencing just a big, stupid, depressing prank from the universe? it surely is starting to seem like it.
when I look at my life now, i realize it was a road that could only have ended in one destination. i mean, how could I not kill myself? self-destruction is natural for people like me. it just has to be this way.
March 22, 2021.
the thought of putting a bullet in my head for some reason brings me a feeling of peace and fulfillment — almost happiness. there's no fear, no worries… nothing at all. that's how i know this is my destiny. i was born to do it. it's been my destiny since i was a little girl, lost in my own imaginary worlds, excited about the future and what life had in store for me… well, this is what it had.
i'm never getting married in the middle of the woods; i'm never going to have a child, which i love with my whole human being; i'm never living in a big house in nature with the family i created; i'm never learning to sew; i'm not going to endure the pains and worries that come with real life for much longer. i will be free… fully, truly.
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